when it rains, it pours. that's what they say when shit happens, right? just all of a sudden, i can't even type chinese on my computer. some wrong but i couldn't figure out what's wrong. and the person i want to talk to just got off line without even replied a short message telling me he's busy or whatsoever. that's how it works if life, isn't it?why does firefox update showing on the right top of my computer. wondering if the new software i just installed just went crazy. or perhaps it's me the person who goes crazy, ha ha
there are always hints to tell you what's gonna happen and it just depends on if you are listening, watching, feeling it with your heart or not. last night, the sign started with my horrible hoeegarden beer. it shouldn't taste like that at all. that's the worst beer i had had for such a long time. anyway, i don't like it when i am so angry at myself and there's no way out.cry a bit. should be good. there's nothing wrong with me. i have to tell myself again and again though deep inside i think it's a lie. but if i don't do so then my whole world is falling apart. the wall i have been building since i came back from sydney is falling little by little.
last night i thought about quitting facebook. well, i did it but then i regretted so i cancelled. i don't want to regret later so try very hard not to make decisions after i had a few drinks. well, facebook is just something i blamed for my mistakes. yeah, i hate to say it but it's a bit mistakes and i feel terrible when i look at it. it's just difficult for me to forgive myself. i forgive people easily, very easily. just some very little simple thing can easily touch my heart but i keep reminding my own mistakes and scare myself to death.send a few emails. didn't hear from anyone. guess everyone is still sleeping or just not feel like replying. that happens to me sometimes. now i understand people so well and give them all sorts of excuses to make myself feel better. i think i push myself too hard that i have a stomachache now. relax. relax. take a few deep breaths.
reading the whole time since i was up at 9 am and now it's 1.40 pm. just feel like writing something. my negative feelings need to find some exits. can't yell at my family or do some stupid thing. well, you know at this time when i look at the knife, i would want to do something but of course i won't. i think it's not too bad that i still can write. i felt even worse last night. it's as if i was dying and my whole body has been reacting on my negative feelings. i had totally three drinks last night and was not drunk at all. too sober, i have to say. and that's why i felt so bad and saw things so clearly. scary. couldn't believe what i had done. but i think i am making progress. at least when i sent some emails last night, i didn't attack anyone though i was so angry. well, i deleted him from my facebook friends. that's it. regretted? try not to. too many irritants and i don't need that now. perhaps later in life i'll take it better.
not sure if this can be understood, probably not but i just need to find a way out. that's it. that's what i am doing. feel like some yummy kahlua cheese cake. what else can
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