Lin Jessie的部落格

i guess it's time for a break. really need to take some time off. perhaps i should ask for sick leave and do nothing at home for a whole week. hmm, this is just my daydream. don't think i'll get the whole week off. well, i probably should start to plan, and then go on vacation for a week to refresh a bit. it's a bit too much for me at the moment, i guess.

i burst into tears on the mrt on my way home. it's just too much. this afternoon, i forgot to bring the handouts after i got on the bus, so i had to get off the bus, took another bus home, and then took a taxi because i was running late. and the reason i was almost running late already was becasue my printer had run out of ink when i wanted to print today's handouts. i was in a hurry becasue i spent the whole morning baking, and then went to see the doctor. one of my students said that he hadn't had the cookies i made for a long time, so i told him i would bring them tonight. i knew i didn't have to cause i wasn't feeling too well recently. besides, i needed to go see a doctor this morning. however, i still got up early and made some cookies and the scones i had wanted to make for a long long time. then of course i ran out of time, and i didn't even have time for lunch.

it's almost 4 in the morning. time just flies even when you're doing nothing. that's how it works. was trying to get organized, which is an extreme difficult task. a bit upset. doing nothing for the past few hours and still there's so many things i need to do. a long long list. too long a list and i get distracted so easily. sigh.something wrong? nothing right? everything's not in their places where they should be. life is a mess. arrrrrgh. screaming won't help but it's good at least to get something out. it's so hard to find someone who understands, who shares the same values but it's even harder to find someone who is willing to listen. everyone wants to speak their mind. when you start to say one thing, they have some many good opinions about this, and eventually, you don't get to say what you want to say, you listen to what you have to listen. i guess being a good listener really makes one a good friend.

it's not really nice to see yourself so clearly, recognizing all your weakness but doing nothing. what in the world am i doing? i don't know. have no idea how i put myself in this kind of situation again and again. being able to be weak and lazy is probably the main reason. it's definitely not the end of the world but i can't see any future at the moment. knowing i'll think differently later, just not sure when, doesn't help at all.

i lost my anchors and now i don't know what to hold on to. of course, it has to be me, but i don't have enough faith. feel like drowning in the sea again. and doesn't even know how to call for help cause no one will hear. and it's too far for them to reach.

shouldn't stay at home. the sun is shining but i don't feel like going out at all. what's wrong with me? i don't know. so many things i can do but just can't get myself to do any. life has no meaning. this kind of thought leads to suicidal thoughts. hating myself for doing nothing leads to the desire of hurting myself. before i get too deep, medication isn't a bad idea. then with its side effects, of course it's not pleasant. what to do? stop thinking. just do something. but what? it seems like i use some invisible ropes to kidnap myself from the reality. hopeless or helpless? heaven helps those who help themselves. hahaha. life is a joke and i'm going crazy, i think @_@

Today, well, yesterday, I should say, since it's 6 am already; anyway, I was offered a full-time job by the language school I just quit a few weeks ago. I used to teach there three days a week, 10.5 hours in total, not a lot. Even though I was popular among students, I couldn't get more hours for the not so smart system they are running. Well, not just this school, as a matter of fact, a lot of language schools in Taiwan are like that; and that's why I decided I should at least try something else before I'm too old (that's the scary part, perhaps I'm already, arrrrrgh!)

討厭的天氣，又溼又冷，一年中最討厭的天氣。啊！！！！

sleepy but also don't feel like sleeping. very tired with a headache. it seems like nothing's going anywhere and i have a lot to do tomorrow but don't know what im doing now. not sure what to say either but need to write something. doing nothing meaningful but just can't stop. saying stupid things making myself angry later. stupid. this is not silly, it's stupid then i'll be angry at myself by tomorrow cause i'll be exhausted. calm down. relax and go to bed.

lonely. perhaps that's what this kind of cold gloomy days makes me feel. extremely lonely. loneliness isn't a bad thing but when it's too much, everywhere then it's scary. when you are surrounded by it and cannot breathe.should go to bed cause i'm talking nonsense again. hope i'll be able to sleep and won't have any nightmares

it's 10.05. 陳昇is singing at brown sugar now. well, my heart is there with him, ha ha.  i really want to go but couldn't find anyone to go with. it should be okay if i just go by myself but it just didn't work out like that. it's just another roller coaster riding day. i don't know anyone is as moody as i am.

last night, i almost deactivated my facebook account. luckily, after i clicked deactivate, i was taken to a page where i got a chance to cancel. so after thinking for a moment, i decided to wait until this morning to see how i feel. i don't like to do things i will regret and try very hard not to regret after i've done something. there's no could haves, should haves in my dictionary. whatever i've done is done. i'll just face it and move on.

today i woke up in such a terrible mood and was surrounded by my negative feelings that just didn't go away. i find it difficult to breathe (also because of my nasal allergy), my whole body was tense and i had a stomachache. i couldn't do anything but lying in bed reading. after four hours, i just couldn't take it anymore so i got up and started to write. as i was writing, suddenly i realized that i was so angry at myself of my own mistakes. it was just something stupid i did a few months ago but i just couldn't let go. i guess i was trying to blame on facebook for my mistakes. ha ha. it's just so much easier, right? i'm not angry at anybody but me. it's always me. sigh. why couldn't i forgive myself? most of the time i try to but sometimes it's just so difficult when someone or something just keeps popping out to remind you your mistakes. so, what i did was deleting the person from my friend list instead of deactivating my facebook account. i'm not angry at him. even if i did, well, then it's just at the very beginning. then why did i delete this friend? because i couldn't stand being reminded my mistakes again and again. what am i talking about? forgive and forget. i need to forgive myself. it's not all my fault. i had to fail quite a few students last week and i felt terrible and blame myself for not being a good teacher. this is not right. there are just too many things in my life i have no control at all and i shouldn't blame myself for anything.

it's very important to let go the negative feelings, to find the way out for those bad energy running around in your body. for me, writing is an exit for those unwanted feelings. i'm sorry that sometimes i send them to my friends but i think they'll understand la. tired. i made a cheese cake, a kahlua cheese cake, and some chocolate brownies. they are my anti-depressants. ha ha.

firefox的不落格瘋了，變成一個怪怪的格式。用safari寫也挺麻煩。算了算了。這不順的氣場應該要想想方式來轉換。昨天，不是前天就開始覺得了。星期三開心的吃完飯逛完美術館後，上課就不太順，對笑學生這件事我一直耿耿於懷，對自己的不滿吧！星期四上課，很不好，因為兩堂都是考試，看著上了一期課的學生表現不好，對自己有更多的不滿。昨天的課也是一樣，有一堂考試又要當掉好幾個學生，其實有一些是認真的學生，而且就算過了升級的在下一個級數也是會很吃力。那是哪裡出問題？是我嗎？還是他們？我覺得已經盡力了。盡量把課程內容安排的有趣，把重點說清楚，給學生充分時間練習，可是我所能做的非常有限吧！一個星期只上一個半小時，十堂課，兩個半月就把英文學好，應該是不可能的任務吧，學過的人should know.

when it rains, it pours. that's what they say when shit happens, right? just all of a sudden, i can't even type chinese on my computer. some wrong but i couldn't figure out what's wrong. and the person i want to talk to just got off line without even replied a short message telling me he's busy or whatsoever. that's how it works if life, isn't it?why does firefox update showing on the right top of my computer. wondering if the new software i just installed just went crazy. or perhaps it's me the person who goes crazy, ha ha

there are always hints to tell you what's gonna happen and it just depends on if you are listening, watching, feeling it with your heart or not. last night, the sign started with my horrible hoeegarden beer. it shouldn't taste like that at all. that's the worst beer i had had for such a long time. anyway, i don't like it when i am so angry at myself and there's no way out.cry a bit. should be good. there's nothing wrong with me. i have to tell myself again and again though deep inside i think it's a lie. but if i don't do so then my whole world is falling apart. the wall i have been building since i came back from sydney is falling little by little.

the only person i know has the same mood swings like me just disappeared and i know exactly what happened bec i would do the exactly same thing. too tired to say any more. lol

It's a bit too cheesy at the end but it's exactly how I felt. I wrote it last night when I couldn't sleep and published it on facebook then today I sort of wanted to delete it but I think it's just how I felt. I also tagged Wally in when the option showed up on the note, really smart these days. I wasn't sure whether that's a good idea or not but I guess he would just remove tag if he doesn't like it. I couldn't read it again though i read it many times before i finished it around 5 am then just published and passed out.

not sure how this work but i think i just passed the down period and started to climb though slowly. my danish student and his friend were out for dinner and we were supposed to have a drink together since i've known them both for over 6 months but we never got together. well, i think they were just having too much fun and totally forgot me, which is actully a good thing. i kind of feel like going out for a drink but on the other hand, it wouldn't be much fun since i have to teach tomorrow at 10.30, which isn't really bad and i went out more often when i had to teach at 9 am in gongguan and of course i always ended up taking a cab.

start to cry and i know exactly why. i am exhausted and took my sleeping pill about two hours ago. i am supposed to be in bed now but i was chatting with friends on the msn and writing an email.

I'm having a sadness attack. don't think there's such a phrase in english but why not? there's so called panic attack and sadness attack is just how I feel at the moment. of course there's a reason, no, many reasons for that but when it happened, i became so helpless. i am so sick and tired of it. can't even think about it. it's just too depressing. but i just couldn't get rid of the thoughts of ending my life because it's so empty and meaningless. it's so bad that i don't even want to talk about it or write about it but i have to force myself to sit in front of the computer typing so i wouldn't just cry in bed forever.

waiting for my laundry to be done then i'll do something. do what? not sure. preparing my chinese class for tomorrow then a few other things needed to be done and i've been too lazy and kept putting it off. one of my biggest problem. i plan a lot of things then what often happened was i became very sad then couldn't do anything and didn't want to do anything, then my life became a mess. it took sometime to recover then i started to have some energy to do things but then before i could get everything on track, some thing happened then i became very depressed then ... so annoying and i think for the past few years, maybe ten years, my life has been stuck in this malicious cycle. not that i didn't want to get out of it but it seems like i haven't found a good way to cope with it. the main reason trigged those episodes was not difficult to spotted but ... sigh. cheer up and do something. i really don't want to be angry at myself and it's not fun. sometimes i think my mind is clear now another time i still think it's a mess and i have no way to get out of it. not so sure what to do. keep thinking. jessie lin

too lazy to go to windows to type chinese. well, it's good to practice my english a bit since i don't really have chance to use it much these days. sigh. it's almost 9 pm. i woke up around 1 pm then just fooled around a bit. went swimming and felt great then had a big meal. now i am too full to think. what a stupid thing i did. anyways, can't really think now. i don't know why. sometimes i feel very alert and my mind is super clear. everything is easy and i get things done easily. but most of the time like now, i am just too confused and can't think. don't feel like doing anything at all. feel like talking to someone but don't know who i can talk to. not so sure what i want to say either. life is really difficult now though i now it can be super easy. don't know what i am doing, what kind of life i am living. so many things i need to do but i don't feel like doing any of them. many things i want to do but don't feel like doing them, either. what's wrong with me? don't know. don't know. i wish i know. or maybe i know? no, i don't know. crazy. that's the word

finally i found out how to type in chinese on mac but a bit lazy since i have to use zhu yin and it's a bit too much trouble to choose those words one by one. i guess there just aren't too many chinese users to make things easier. just went to the website to check out some intro videos in the taiwan website but guess out, the videos are in english! i understood it without any problems but i really think it's so stupid to have the videos on the taiwan apple website but talks in english. do they think all taiwanese speak and understand good english. well, this is one of the many things i am glad that i learned my english well to understand things like this. sigh. sleepy and tired but the washing machine is working so i am sort of waiting for it's done then i can hang the clothes. maybe i will just go to bed since i am a bit sleepy now after drinking some macallan. very good whiskey, i like it. went to a coffee shop with a coworker or ex-coworker from kojen and it's really nice to chat with people you've known for a long time. the funny thing was that i ran into my uni classmate who happened to work at the furniture shop next to the coffee shop. I wasn't sure if that was him and i stared at him a lot and finally when he talked on the phone, i was sure. he gained some weight and it's been at least five or six years since i last saw him, but the voice is one thing that never changes i think. another same coincidence happened on monday. same thing, i went to starbucks to have a coffee with an ex-coworker and she was late. i went to the toilet and ran into this guy running with a cap on and i didn't have a second look. but then when he was getting a coffee, i recognized that he was a former kojen friend but i was not too sure. because i can't really tell and with the cap on, he looked very different. but as soon as he started to talk, i was positive that was him. a person's voice just doesn't change much. i didn't say hi to him because i wasn't sure if he could recognize me. interesting. then i was talking to a friend on the facebook this morning who i haven't seen for ages. he's the former watersheds bartender but lives in canda with his boyfriend now. then another former kojen coworker who works in the middle east sent me an email via facebook. omg, i think i am old chatting with all these "old" friends. really interesting. so tired now. just sub a class today can be this tired, hard to believe. well, getting old. i got a cramp in my leg today while i was teaching and had to sit on the floor for a while. glad i wasn't wearing a dress today. hang the clothes then bed time. my ipod touch still stayed untouched. sigh. time flies. life is short.

a bit tired. well, maybe more than a bit. not sure if there's a reason for my tears or it's just because women are made of water. ha ha. talking nonsense again. not sure what i am talking about just like not sure what my life is. is there any meaning in it? probably not much, at least not that i can see now.