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Dear all,

Thank you so much for your help. It's really important to me and I really appreciate your friendship. I felt a bit stupid and pathetic right after sending that email but it's actually a right choice to send that email out because I got a lot of support, suggestions I need. The emails, phone calls, jokes, msn messages all helped me a lot to get through this difficult time of my life.

Still my mood goes up and down. When I felt really sad, I would have the stupid thought to cut myself with a knife but I knew too well I would never do that. Sorry about my last email. I did not mean to scare people by mentioning my thoughts about death but that's how I felt. I really felt terrible and did not know how to get out of that situation. It's hard to explain but now even when I feel really bad, I know very well that my family and friends are always there for me and I can turn to them for help. It just eases my sadness and my anxiety. It's really nice just knowing someone is there for you. And now I have a calling list so when I get really sad, I will just call and you can tell me a joke to make my day!

I've been trying to kick myself out of the house every day and get in touch with people. It helps a lot. I went to a yoga class, went swimming, or just walked around. It's winter here and this week the weather is quite nice but it will get cold and rainy again next week. Help! You will probably get my phone calls and email a lot more then.

I talk to the counselor every week and see a psychiatrist for the medication. I think I am making progress slowly. Now I am reading a book about depression and trying to find some more information and some practical tips I can use from the internet.

I can't sleep well at night and I guess that's part of the reason why I feel so tired all the time and only have very limited energy every day so I can only do very few things. Now my battery is almost dead so I have to end this email soon. Just want to tell you that I feel better and make some progress. Give me more suggestions if you have and keep in touch. It's great to hear from you and I will try to try more often. Sorry I haven't been able to write back, but I will. Hope you are doing well. Have a nice weekend.

Cheers
Jessie

真的沒力氣在分開寄,所以就把中英文一起寄了。

大家好,

感恩啊!謝謝大家的支持與鼓勵,忠告,意見,e-mail,電話
,留言,還有許多的笑話。其實剛把信寄出去的時候,自己覺得很白癡,但是後來想想,這是人的自救本能吧!我真的覺得自己已經到糟到一個不行的地步,然而自己又繞不出來,還好有大家的幫忙,不然還不知道要在那兒轉多久。

心情還是起起伏伏,但覺得好多了,因為至少每天都把自己踢出去,有時去游泳,有時去圖書館,或去購物中心。但每天都睡不好,所以也沒什麼體力。一天最多做個一、兩件事就沒體力了。想一封一封回,但是有時大腦不聽話,有時沒電,所以還是寫一封信告訴大家我的近況,其他的信我會慢慢回的。

在台灣對憂鬱症的認知還停留在石器時代,所以有時後我也懶得解釋一堆。有興趣的人可以上我部落格去看就知道那種日子挺慘的。很多人都叫我回去,因為這麼遠,也沒法跑過來幫我。既然書念的不開心,回去不就得了,幹嗎花錢找罪受?

其實我的憂鬱症也不是一天兩天的是,已經好幾年了,但從來沒有好好處理過。書也看了不少,醫生也看了不少,但過了就算了,所以一再復發。這一次我想好好的處理一下自己的心情,問題,好好從新認識一下自己,知道自己在做什麼,未來要如何走。

雪梨的空氣不算最好,但比台北好很多。我住這附近樹比房子多,我每天看到的鳥比人還多。我很喜歡這一片綠油油,且可以看得很遠,很舒服。我住的地方走十分鐘到學校的健身房與游泳池,十五分鐘到圖書館,所以還挺方便的。十分鐘可以到一家小超商,三十分鐘到購物中心。所以這五個月來我都在這幾個地方打轉,沒有跑太遠。

夏天我還可以在樹下看書,到學校的小湖邊看鳥,但是冬天(這兒是南半球,四季相反)又濕又冷,我哪兒都不想去。前一陣子又有狂風暴雨,聽說是三十年來最糟的天氣,我運氣就這麼好碰上了。氣象報告說下週又要開始下了,我應該會不停的騷擾大家吧!

大部分的人都挺熱心的,在學校雖然有一些老師我覺得混到一個不行,但也有些不錯的老師尤其是語言學部門舉辦的免費講座往往都相當精采,師資超優,所以我一直在考慮要轉系。但狀況不好時就先不做決定了。

上次狀況實在很糟,實在沒辦法一個中文字慢慢敲,打英文真的快很多,相信大家會諒解的。而且我沒有要嚇你們的意思,真的是自己看的到自己陷在裡面,也試著要把自己拉出來,但就是卡在那兒。現在還是會有掉下去的時候,前兩天起床就怎麼樣都不能動。什麼事都不想做,腦筋一片混亂,又開始沒有原因的哭。但是就會想到大家的友誼,知道很多朋友在那兒支持著我,沒事可以打電話騷擾他們。其實心情不好時,思想是完全不同的。怕會打擾到別人,不想接受別人的批判,不願意一天到晚訴苦,還要裝著自己很堅強。現在心情穩定些比較不會怕被拒絕,不怕受傷害。唉!我這亂七八糟的心情實在是一言難盡。

好了,不要再發牢騷了。只是要告訴大家,我現在每天乖乖的吃藥(今天好像忘記了,但記憶差到也忘了究竟有沒有吃),每個星期固定有去與諮商師聊聊天,有在看心理醫生,每隔幾天還有社工人員會打電話來問我的狀況,所以雖然還是起起伏伏,但大致上在進步中。今天去看心理醫生時,還被臨時找去當一個實習醫生的期末考,因為他等了一個上午,三個病人都沒出現。我就充當他的考題,事後還給了我約六百元台幣的禮券。我覺得有點過意不去,因為我太愛說話了,害他時間到時問題還沒問完。希望他順利通過考試,不要因為我被當掉,那我就罪過了。

我真的廢話太多了,因為思考混亂。對了,感謝某位同學請他的同事的親戚與我聯絡,我明天終於要去市區了!其實我就是變的很被動,也不覺得無聊,就是不想出門。我最近在看一些有關憂鬱症的書,找一些可以幫助自己的方法,我會加油,也還要大家的繼續支持與鼓勵,感恩啊!

希望大家都過得很好,多保重喔!

慧卿
Jessie
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