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My sadness was overwhelming and I just could not stop my tears. Every
morning I woke up, I looked at my swollen eyes and asked myself what's going on. The counselor told me that it's depression, and the sadness had taken control over me and she suggested that I see a doctor to start medication. I hate anti-depressants because I did not like the side effects and I did not think they work anyway. However, the final exams were coming and I knew well that if I did not do something, I would not be able to get myself together to prepare the final. Besides the final exams, I worried about myself. Having suicide idea scared me even though I knew too well that I would never do that. I knew I was getting more depressed and I payed attention to my diet and did exercise and talked to people to ask for help. But all those efforts failed and I was crying and crying and in the end, I did not know why I was crying. I wanted to feel happy but I couldn't. Like the counselor said, I had no control of how I felt anymore.
So, time for anti-depressants again! After all other things failed, this is my last try. Otherwise, I might have to go back to Taiwan even though I knew I wouldn't be happier but at least there are where my family and my friends are. I tried to find out the side effects before I took Lovan but did not find much information. Well, maybe my research skill still needs to improved. Anyhow, just thought of writing this down and maybe people having same problems know what to expect. I kind of knew that I would feel nauseous and had no appetite but it was still hard when it happened.
Day 1: sadness level:80, anxiety level: 80
still cry a lot, more anxious, not much different (still very sad, only wrote one line)
Day 2: sadness level: 85, anxiety level:85
cry more, very tired but cannot sleep, have to take a sleeping pill. keep trying to calm myself down very anxious
Day 3: sadness level 70, anxiety level 75
cry so much that my eyes are sore, but feel calm in a strange way. does the medicine start to work? strange feeling, slight
headache, no appetite, have to force myself to eat some fruit
Day 4: sadness level 85, anxiety level 60
sick, bad headache all day, did not go to class, super upset, feel nothing has any meaning anymore, cannot eat, thirsty, a bit
better in the evening after talking and writing to friends. totally understand how mom felt before she died, even though I was
hungry, I still couldn't eat, thinking of some smells make me sick already
Day 5: sadness level 60, anxiety level 50
feel strange, not so sad, a bit calm, sleepy, thirsty. is it because I finished one final exam? I don't know. seems better now but
can be down anytime. force myself to eat more, feel a bit nauseous, but have to. Though I feel pretty much wanting to give up
the medication, I think it still works, just not the way I would like it to be. can think and function a bit again, feel like just wake
up from a dream, quite slow though
Day 6: sadness level 50, anxiety level 40
managed to get up but late for class. came back and took a nap but couldn't get up to class, tried very hard to get myself out
of bed to Somsak's class then go to the seminar--a good one. talking to Somsak helps a lot too. not hungry, first meal is instant
noodles at 10 pm, almost fainted because of not eating anything. have no appetite because of the medication
Day 7: sadness level 65, anxiety level 50
sleep in until noon, couldn't get up to go to the court, didn't want to do anything. called Andrew, felt better after talking to him.
pushed myself hard to get out of my room to go to the city, the seminar was alright but it's good to go out, try hard to push
myself to eat, it helps, talked to Jerome and Tsushin
Day 8: sadness level 40, anxiety level 40
went to bed around 5 and got up at 8.30, doctor said the it is okay that I took the the whole capsule instead of half. counselor
signed the reconsider form for the final exams, didn't think I really need that but just in case since I am still unstable, Lovan
made me sleepy,
Day 9: sadness level 0, anxiety level 20
Suddenly the medication started to work perfectly? I don't know. I was almost late for today's final exam of writing. I was not
nervous and tried hard to finish it in time. After the exam, I felt relieved and went to the library to borrow five books, two of
them are in Japanese. I won't have time to read them since I have to prepare for my final exams but I just felt like reading
them. Cooked some fried rice noodles for the long time. for the past two weeks, I only had congees and instant noodles. Still
don't feel like eating much but I forced myself to eat more than I could. Also force myself to go to the gym. I think it's really
useful to force myself to eat and exercise and go out when I don't feel like doing it. I didn't cry at all for the whole day for the
first time in many weeks!!! It's actually a bit scary, I mean the medicine.
Day 10: sadness level 0, anxiety level 30
Got up around noon but after taking the tablet still felt sleepy so i went to the gym. push myself a little bit every day and i think it's good. did not study much but just relaxed. push myself to eat more and baked some oat cookies. yummy cookies + shrek2 made me smile, of course, plus johann's cute picture. it's a bit strange that i am not sad anymore but kind of don't know how to feel. it's easy to feel sad then leave everything alone. now i am not sad and i have to deal with all those daily life chores. maybe i am just ordinary but i didn't want to admit that so i use sadness to forget or to block myself from the real life? i don't know
第十一天 憂傷程度：四十 焦慮程度：五十
早上又沒去上課了。明明昨天一早就睡，今天卻怎麼也起不來。是藥效的關係嗎？我也不知道。今天整個人覺得很奇怪，有種不是自己的感覺。下午上課一直心不在焉。回加收信看到家人寄來的信又哭了起來。所以原來還是很傷感，並沒有因為吃藥就沒事了。究竟藥效如何還在研究中。今天就不渴睡了，奇怪的感覺，奇怪的一天。明天會更好。
So, time for anti-depressants again! After all other things failed, this is my last try. Otherwise, I might have to go back to Taiwan even though I knew I wouldn't be happier but at least there are where my family and my friends are. I tried to find out the side effects before I took Lovan but did not find much information. Well, maybe my research skill still needs to improved. Anyhow, just thought of writing this down and maybe people having same problems know what to expect. I kind of knew that I would feel nauseous and had no appetite but it was still hard when it happened.
Day 1: sadness level:80, anxiety level: 80
still cry a lot, more anxious, not much different (still very sad, only wrote one line)
Day 2: sadness level: 85, anxiety level:85
cry more, very tired but cannot sleep, have to take a sleeping pill. keep trying to calm myself down very anxious
Day 3: sadness level 70, anxiety level 75
cry so much that my eyes are sore, but feel calm in a strange way. does the medicine start to work? strange feeling, slight
headache, no appetite, have to force myself to eat some fruit
Day 4: sadness level 85, anxiety level 60
sick, bad headache all day, did not go to class, super upset, feel nothing has any meaning anymore, cannot eat, thirsty, a bit
better in the evening after talking and writing to friends. totally understand how mom felt before she died, even though I was
hungry, I still couldn't eat, thinking of some smells make me sick already
Day 5: sadness level 60, anxiety level 50
feel strange, not so sad, a bit calm, sleepy, thirsty. is it because I finished one final exam? I don't know. seems better now but
can be down anytime. force myself to eat more, feel a bit nauseous, but have to. Though I feel pretty much wanting to give up
the medication, I think it still works, just not the way I would like it to be. can think and function a bit again, feel like just wake
up from a dream, quite slow though
Day 6: sadness level 50, anxiety level 40
managed to get up but late for class. came back and took a nap but couldn't get up to class, tried very hard to get myself out
of bed to Somsak's class then go to the seminar--a good one. talking to Somsak helps a lot too. not hungry, first meal is instant
noodles at 10 pm, almost fainted because of not eating anything. have no appetite because of the medication
Day 7: sadness level 65, anxiety level 50
sleep in until noon, couldn't get up to go to the court, didn't want to do anything. called Andrew, felt better after talking to him.
pushed myself hard to get out of my room to go to the city, the seminar was alright but it's good to go out, try hard to push
myself to eat, it helps, talked to Jerome and Tsushin
Day 8: sadness level 40, anxiety level 40
went to bed around 5 and got up at 8.30, doctor said the it is okay that I took the the whole capsule instead of half. counselor
signed the reconsider form for the final exams, didn't think I really need that but just in case since I am still unstable, Lovan
made me sleepy,
Day 9: sadness level 0, anxiety level 20
Suddenly the medication started to work perfectly? I don't know. I was almost late for today's final exam of writing. I was not
nervous and tried hard to finish it in time. After the exam, I felt relieved and went to the library to borrow five books, two of
them are in Japanese. I won't have time to read them since I have to prepare for my final exams but I just felt like reading
them. Cooked some fried rice noodles for the long time. for the past two weeks, I only had congees and instant noodles. Still
don't feel like eating much but I forced myself to eat more than I could. Also force myself to go to the gym. I think it's really
useful to force myself to eat and exercise and go out when I don't feel like doing it. I didn't cry at all for the whole day for the
first time in many weeks!!! It's actually a bit scary, I mean the medicine.
Day 10: sadness level 0, anxiety level 30
Got up around noon but after taking the tablet still felt sleepy so i went to the gym. push myself a little bit every day and i think it's good. did not study much but just relaxed. push myself to eat more and baked some oat cookies. yummy cookies + shrek2 made me smile, of course, plus johann's cute picture. it's a bit strange that i am not sad anymore but kind of don't know how to feel. it's easy to feel sad then leave everything alone. now i am not sad and i have to deal with all those daily life chores. maybe i am just ordinary but i didn't want to admit that so i use sadness to forget or to block myself from the real life? i don't know
第十一天 憂傷程度：四十 焦慮程度：五十
早上又沒去上課了。明明昨天一早就睡，今天卻怎麼也起不來。是藥效的關係嗎？我也不知道。今天整個人覺得很奇怪，有種不是自己的感覺。下午上課一直心不在焉。回加收信看到家人寄來的信又哭了起來。所以原來還是很傷感，並沒有因為吃藥就沒事了。究竟藥效如何還在研究中。今天就不渴睡了，奇怪的感覺，奇怪的一天。明天會更好。
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