Lin Jessie的部落格

要準備進入睡眠狀態，不然可能會瘋掉。

九點零九分。不想罵人才有鬼。嘆氣。眼睛超累得，根本看不下書卻怎麼躺也睡不著。發現safari打得網誌全部連在一起，完全沒有段落可言。看來windows跟mac真是世仇，恨死對方了吧！可憐了我們這些夾在中間得小老百姓。

今天晚上睡不著，沒有蚊子，還是睡不著。 試另一個注音法漢音看有沒有比較聰明。好像有耶，居然連豆號都出來了，只能說捷克，真是太神奇了。漢音跟注音有什麼不同呢？我的結論試漢音比注音好像聰明一點。 睡不著就是吃，餓得睡不著，吃了更睡不著。討厭的清醒。記不想吃藥也不想喝酒，加上似乎中暑的一點頭痛。無奈。看書好了，反正明天也不用早起。最睡不著就要變大胖子了。 覺得好像便聰明了，其實好像還是笨了。睡覺前很沒成就感，覺得又混了一天了。一天混過一天。每天都想要好好計畫，好好的過一天。試天不從人院還是人不從天院。根本試胡說八道一通。 沒有個目標在吧！很多事都想做卻又什麼事都不做。沒有動力？其實事不知道要何去何從。整個人其實好像還是亂的。剪不斷，理還亂。繼續當老師嗎？也沒什麼不好。挺喜歡教書的，又可以認識不同的人。但是呢教成人美語就是一個很沒保障的工作，做一天是一天，記沒福利也沒保障。賺的錢也是夠用，發財是不可能的，我也不用發財，只要夠用，但是想未來就覺得害怕。 大家都說我不怕找不到工作，只是我太挑了。這麼說也沒錯，但是呢想做的與可以做的是很多回事。討厭。討厭自己。因為沒恆心，沒毅力，沒決心，搖擺不定，優柔寡斷。看自己也看得很清楚啊！不是我不知道。把自己的弱點看得這麼清也沒用。還是硬往死胡同裡去鑽。到底自己想做什麼，也說不出各所以然來。想要的東西沒有努力去追求是不會從天上掉下來的。 每天只有二十四小時，瑣事一堆，混混混時間就這麼混過去，年紀就一天天混老了，一事無成。看要成的事什麼吧！花了一年半與畢生積蓄去澳洲念了個學位回來。目前還看不到用處。好玩嗎？很難玩。有學到什麼嗎？還在評估中。教學技巧好像是完全往後退，對於英語教學與第二外語教學有一些新體會，但覺得更不知要從何下手教了。加上下星期開始要上課的補習班與原本科見識非常不同的。想了頭有一點痛。上星期六的課也沒上好。中文課學生也不知會要繼續上否。想太多了。 看書去吧！繼續逃避現實，因為想不出來，越想心情越不好，頭越痛。看完麥田捕手現在看一九八四，其實應該看點振奮的書或喜劇類的書。老看這種灰暗的書可能思想會越來越黑暗吧！

waiting for my laundry to be done then i'll do something. do what? not sure. preparing my chinese class for tomorrow then a few other things needed to be done and i've been too lazy and kept putting it off. one of my biggest problem. i plan a lot of things then what often happened was i became very sad then couldn't do anything and didn't want to do anything, then my life became a mess. it took sometime to recover then i started to have some energy to do things but then before i could get everything on track, some thing happened then i became very depressed then ... so annoying and i think for the past few years, maybe ten years, my life has been stuck in this malicious cycle. not that i didn't want to get out of it but it seems like i haven't found a good way to cope with it. the main reason trigged those episodes was not difficult to spotted but ... sigh. cheer up and do something. i really don't want to be angry at myself and it's not fun. sometimes i think my mind is clear now another time i still think it's a mess and i have no way to get out of it. not so sure what to do. keep thinking. jessie lin

在ＭＡＣ打鐘文真的不容易。像我這種沒耐心的人、選字是個大麻煩。不太聰明、這個內建的。還是找佈道逗號。放棄了吧！隨便打、反正看得懂舊好了。一個一個選字可能會址有血衣。太可怕了、我要說寫一行、居然出現血衣。 今天睡了十四個小時、一直睡不好。前天晚上沒睡好、因為又睡不著、不想吃藥也不想喝酒、稱道四點多、早上七點起床去上課。上完課後去科見找節西郊我一下怎麼用蘋果。然後呢跟朋友去我從前漁家老師的派對。在他加、一班外國人住的那種頂樓。他的朋友半個畫展、還有在飛舟與墨西哥拍的紀錄片。挺嚴肅的、跟派對氣氛一點都不合、後來有個在台灣呆了十二年的外國人放了小強記路片。八分鐘的蟑螂故事。這個人應該世態閒了。在台灣呆太久了吧！還遇到一個呆十一年的英國人。很巧的是還遇到我丹麥學生的朋友、在這兒呆了六年。一直說我的終點費太貴了。他只附他的老師三百舞或四百員、但是我是幾乎兩倍。我知道行情是那樣、可我接手待客前、世代課、這可怕的蘋果注音。我朋友開的價錢吧！所以聽說我丹麥學生知道後、沈默了一毀兒。假如想上救濟續上、閒太貴我也只能請他另請高明了。 喝了酒果然很好睡、昨天約好要去八里其較踏車、結果我到了約定的時間才起床。原本想說算了、還好節西說沒關係、他們可以慢慢其等我。所以就衝道觀度、然後追上他們、依其其道八里、十三行博物管。沿途癡癡呵呵照照。可怕的注音。懶得改了。太陽超大。我可能有點中暑、因為頭又有點痛。回到加洗個早、十點多就上床。太熱了、因為晒了一天、所以全身發熱吧！一直醒來、但是有覺得很累沒睡好、終於起床十發現自己居然睡了十四個小時、大半天就這麼過去。可能嗜睡棉債吧。上個星期沒睡好的今天全部都一起睡了。睡醒後好累好累。 但是睡醒之後發現一見識。就是已經不慌了、也不沮喪了。就是那段憂傷其已經過去了。為什麼我也不知道。一早醒來舊知道又可以開始動、開始思考了。哎。趕快動一動、把一些該做的是都弄好、才部會夏衣斷憂傷奇萊十又不知所促了。 我還一自己看得動這篇嗎？假如回頭看得畫。

too lazy to go to windows to type chinese. well, it's good to practice my english a bit since i don't really have chance to use it much these days. sigh. it's almost 9 pm. i woke up around 1 pm then just fooled around a bit. went swimming and felt great then had a big meal. now i am too full to think. what a stupid thing i did. anyways, can't really think now. i don't know why. sometimes i feel very alert and my mind is super clear. everything is easy and i get things done easily. but most of the time like now, i am just too confused and can't think. don't feel like doing anything at all. feel like talking to someone but don't know who i can talk to. not so sure what i want to say either. life is really difficult now though i now it can be super easy. don't know what i am doing, what kind of life i am living. so many things i need to do but i don't feel like doing any of them. many things i want to do but don't feel like doing them, either. what's wrong with me? don't know. don't know. i wish i know. or maybe i know? no, i don't know. crazy. that's the word

兩難耶 其時是很多難。標點符號只會打。、？！其實最主要的逗號還找不到 很想打英文了。選字選的有點煩耶！有一好沒兩好、這個世界就是這樣啊 還是睡不著。這幾天在安眠藥與威士記（哪個記阿怎麼找不到？）中徘徊。兩個都不好。昨天吃了安眠藥今天睡到十二點。不只今天、每次吃都會睡死。連鬧鐘都完全聽不到。不管幾點睡都要到中午才會醒。超討厭。威士忌已經到喝怎麼多都睡不著的境界了。一個人也喝不下太多、雖然很好喝。睡不著這件事已經快把我弄瘋了。怎麼樣都睡不著、不吃藥的話最早可能是四五點、不然有時候都了七八點才會睡著。怎麼累都睡不著。像昨天明明累死了。還是躺在床上發呆。很生氣、因為不能做其他的事、已經沒電了、但就是睡不著。喝了酒也沒用。最後只好吃藥、又硬是過了一各小時財稅著。累死了。 早上起來就會心情不好。今天還被學生笑說他累了一天我才剛剛起床、我很不客氣的說這樣說是很過分的喔。因為我就位了這睡不著煩了還敢刺激我、簡直是活的不耐煩了那位先生。上完課又為了薩頂頂與我爭執我是中國人還是台灣人。搞不清楚狀況的外國人耶、給他小小上了一課後他問我那為什麼我們是Republic of China。哎、這我就無能為力了。又小小解釋一番、但不覺的他老大會懂。最後問他為什麼二十ㄧ世紀丹麥還有皇室。馬上跳起來、不准說皇室壞話。哼、這樣他就明白了吧！各國國情不足為外人道也。手快斷掉了。馬上給他下載自然輸入法去windows打字吧！

心情差到不行。也不是真的心情不好，但就是很亂。哇，自然輸入法真好，可以很快的一直打。差太多了啦！要不然會不想打中文耶。晚上想找人出來聊天，也找不到。大家都很忙。回來有一陣子了，發現大家都各有各的生活。偶而出來一下。真的想找個人去看電影好像也找不到耶。這年頭像我這麼閒的人已經不多了。

究竟是哪兒不對也說不出來，但是整個都不對勁。不想出門，不想吃東西，睡不著，做什麼事都沒勁。連運動都荒廢了。糟糕的要命。又沒人可以說。因為也說不清，一般人也無法懂吧！一定會被說阿你就是太閒啊。這陣子找工作的是剛好因為電腦壞了所以停下來。一方面也是覺得自己無法承受那種挫折感吧。覺得很多事都不對，又說不出是哪裡。卡在那兒好像什麼都不是。對自己的不滿已經遠大過自己所想像，一直到事情發生了才恍然大悟。所以呢，現在是處於放鬆的境界，因為怕再把自己逼到角落，並不事件太愉快的是。

究竟在說什麼啊！吃了鎮靜劑後比較不哭了，但也比較笨，不能想。整個人是呆呆的。過一天是一天的日子很討厭。每天都不想出門。每逢星期二四就拼命看手機，看我學生會不會傳簡訓來說要請假。上週末放颱風假，多高興啊。兩天都沒出門，快發霉了。

現在呢，在等十月的時候可能會有兩天的課，才各一個半小時，所以加起來才三小時，剛好是半個班。然後再加上代一個課。零零總總一個星期可能上個十小時的課，但是呢要公館，內湖，台北，板橋到處跑。吃不飽，餓不死。但想先這樣吧！把心情好好整理一下，想一想未來要做什麼。不要在混了。

無奈的人生，好像怎麼也想不出答案。小煩。太多事都想做，但是都沒做。好像有點想睡了。希望周公來找我玩啊！

睡不著、可惡。生氣也沒用。但是還是生氣。會用中文了。但找不到注音符號。這幾天就是與mac大戰。當然是輸的很慘。

finally i found out how to type in chinese on mac but a bit lazy since i have to use zhu yin and it's a bit too much trouble to choose those words one by one. i guess there just aren't too many chinese users to make things easier. just went to the website to check out some intro videos in the taiwan website but guess out, the videos are in english! i understood it without any problems but i really think it's so stupid to have the videos on the taiwan apple website but talks in english. do they think all taiwanese speak and understand good english. well, this is one of the many things i am glad that i learned my english well to understand things like this. sigh. sleepy and tired but the washing machine is working so i am sort of waiting for it's done then i can hang the clothes. maybe i will just go to bed since i am a bit sleepy now after drinking some macallan. very good whiskey, i like it. went to a coffee shop with a coworker or ex-coworker from kojen and it's really nice to chat with people you've known for a long time. the funny thing was that i ran into my uni classmate who happened to work at the furniture shop next to the coffee shop. I wasn't sure if that was him and i stared at him a lot and finally when he talked on the phone, i was sure. he gained some weight and it's been at least five or six years since i last saw him, but the voice is one thing that never changes i think. another same coincidence happened on monday. same thing, i went to starbucks to have a coffee with an ex-coworker and she was late. i went to the toilet and ran into this guy running with a cap on and i didn't have a second look. but then when he was getting a coffee, i recognized that he was a former kojen friend but i was not too sure. because i can't really tell and with the cap on, he looked very different. but as soon as he started to talk, i was positive that was him. a person's voice just doesn't change much. i didn't say hi to him because i wasn't sure if he could recognize me. interesting. then i was talking to a friend on the facebook this morning who i haven't seen for ages. he's the former watersheds bartender but lives in canda with his boyfriend now. then another former kojen coworker who works in the middle east sent me an email via facebook. omg, i think i am old chatting with all these "old" friends. really interesting. so tired now. just sub a class today can be this tired, hard to believe. well, getting old. i got a cramp in my leg today while i was teaching and had to sit on the floor for a while. glad i wasn't wearing a dress today. hang the clothes then bed time. my ipod touch still stayed untouched. sigh. time flies. life is short.

apple store is really efficient. i placed my order on friday and it was delivered to my house yesterday, only nobody was home. found that from the tracing number so even though i only had three hours sleep, i got up to welcome my macbook and ipod touch around noon. yeah! my brother helped me a bit but he's not that patient and i was really exhausted so we had windows set up and office running then i had to go all the way to neihu for my private student to teach him chinese i kept hoping he would cancel the class but after waited and waited, i knew that i had to leave or i would be late. for the preparation I did at least two or three hours yesterday, i didn't really use any of that. it's a bit frustrating but i am used to that. just have to be spontaneous and that's it. today's class was nice. not sure how much he learned but we both laughed a lot and had some good chats. sometimes i wonder what the reason is for me to go all the way to neihu to teach chinese. money is not really that much a big issue and sometimes it's quite frustrating. i guess i just need someone to talk to and the accomplishment after working? besides, we talk well. i guess that's what takes me all the way there? so tired. sleeping pill or whiskey? neither of them is good for me but might have to choose one. was laughed by my student of getting up around noon again. perhaps we would change the schedule to the morning then it would help my establishing my new sleeping habit just like his smoking habit? we'll see.