Lin Jessie的部落格

my computer is broken so i am waiting for the new one to deliver. it's a pain in the ass. how can modern people live without a pc? yes, we can but it's just more difficult. now i am using my brother's computer to check emails, go online. don't know why i am talking nonsense here. probably because i am bored. took a nap around 7 pm and got up at 11pm. very happy to know that there's no class tomorrow so what can i do? called a couple friends, either no answer or busy so just bought some beer, drinking alone, watching some crap movies on tv. not much, nothing much happening. same as in life. nothing much. this is probably my problem? nothing to look forward to. every day is the same day, same depressing day. maybe i am the depressing one instead of saying life is depressing? had an argument with the doctor today. i knew i wouldn't like him when i first saw him but still i need some sleeping pills. well, he asked me why i was repeating all these and instead of stopping when it began. kind of asking why are you choosing suffering? you asked for that? can't stand that? can someone control one's thinking? is life that easy? if it is then he won't have any clients anyway. stupid doc. well, time to test the pills. the one i was taking was from this damn hospital and the doctors in australia were against to that but didn't tell me why. i just discovered it myself from a terrible experience. you do stupid things and do have any memories afterwards. i woke up discovered some cuts on my wrist and i had no memories of doing that. that's why i need new sleeping pills! how can doctors still give out this god damn medicine in taiwan? this makes me angry. well, the typhoon is coming and i should get some good sleep, hopefully without waking up finding more cuts on my wrist.

不能再吃安眠藥了。不是不知道它的可怕性，但很久沒吃就忘了。剛剛看到朋友的回信想說他怎麼回我那麼久以前寫的信，看看日期與內容，什麼？我昨天晚上吃過 藥之後居然寫信給他，自己完全沒有印象，嚇了一跳。只記得在facebook上留了超白癡的留言，懊惱的很，結果居然還寫了信。唉！再怎麼難過再怎麼亂， 自己的大腦與言行還是應該要靠自己控制才行，交給藥物的話只有把自己推落更深的谷底吧！

我的生活只有這個字可言。就是亂。亂成一團。房間亂，作息亂，心情亂。最可怕是心情亂，一亂，整個人就無法思考。然後就開始慌。最近突然發現，雖然慌卻也不像從前那樣咬牙，還是可以看到手上有牙齒印，但是比起從前好不少，可能是有運動的關係吧！

空。一早起來的第一個感覺。一點都不想起來。

對自己有點不知該說什麼。今天睡到中午，因為吃藥的關係吧！準備上課的東西，東摸摸西摸摸，結果準備半天，今天還是上的不理想。學生要求提早上課，因為有約會吧，一整節課，喜孜孜的，一點都沒心上課，居然有人比我還情緒化，敗給他了。兩個人心情剛好相反，還被他捉到我嘆氣，還學我嘆氣。唉！再嘆一次吧！

累，又狂哭了。還好MSN上捉到幾個朋友聊一聊。不過還是吞了顆安眠藥，準備睡覺。

三點，好久沒混到這麼晚了。累到一個不行，因為在整理從前的資料，一個級數有兩大本，七個級數外加寫作、文法、閱讀、發音，還有一些零零碎碎，起碼二十本 以上。剛剛不過弄完兩個級數，四本，就已經整個人快癱掉。動作慢吞吞，起碼花了一小時多整理一個級數。唉！反正沒工作，是該把東西好好整理。我從前怎麼那 麼沒組織性，東西丟的亂七八糟。現在雖然也沒好到哪裡去，但是自己看到過去所囤積的東西還是忍不住搖頭。東西亂塞，然後找不到，用完又不放回原位。嘆氣。

一早起床心慌慌。九月一日星期一，藍色的星期一，因為沒有收入。其實依我的個性，工作慢慢找，反正沒錢就在家窩，大可在逍遙個一兩個月，但是現在有現實的經濟壓力，一早就又不自由主的慌了起來。現在的唯一收入是我的中文家教學生，覺得可有點小諷刺呢！上星期被說應該要面對現實，有工作先做了再說，不要考慮太多，管他兒童還是成人。昨天我那開了五家安親班的同學還說，假如我去他那兒的話，馬上把整個美語部給我管。他敢這麼說的原因是知道我一定不會去，呵呵，二十年的同學了。算他瞭解我。

八月又快過了，恐怖喔！不過呢因為昨天鬼門關，所以很多人以為今天是九月一日呢。