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it's not really nice to see yourself so clearly, recognizing all your weakness but doing nothing. what in the world am i doing? i don't know. have no idea how i put myself in this kind of situation again and again. being able to be weak and lazy is probably the main reason. it's definitely not the end of the world but i can't see any future at the moment. knowing i'll think differently later, just not sure when, doesn't help at all.
i lost my anchors and now i don't know what to hold on to. of course, it has to be me, but i don't have enough faith. feel like drowning in the sea again. and doesn't even know how to call for help cause no one will hear. and it's too far for them to reach.
shouldn't stay at home. the sun is shining but i don't feel like going out at all. what's wrong with me? i don't know. so many things i can do but just can't get myself to do any. life has no meaning. this kind of thought leads to suicidal thoughts. hating myself for doing nothing leads to the desire of hurting myself. before i get too deep, medication isn't a bad idea. then with its side effects, of course it's not pleasant. what to do? stop thinking. just do something. but what? it seems like i use some invisible ropes to kidnap myself from the reality. hopeless or helpless? heaven helps those who help themselves. hahaha. life is a joke and i'm going crazy, i think @_@
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