Lin Jessie的部落格

I'm having a sadness attack. don't think there's such a phrase in english but why not? there's so called panic attack and sadness attack is just how I feel at the moment. of course there's a reason, no, many reasons for that but when it happened, i became so helpless. i am so sick and tired of it. can't even think about it. it's just too depressing. but i just couldn't get rid of the thoughts of ending my life because it's so empty and meaningless. it's so bad that i don't even want to talk about it or write about it but i have to force myself to sit in front of the computer typing so i wouldn't just cry in bed forever.

it usually happens at night and that's why i need sleeping pills so i can run away from it. it usually happens after a bad day but i am too sensitive to too many things so every day can be a bad day. it is terrible because even though i know too well that it will pass, i still feel like it's the end of the world. it's so annoying that it happens again and again and it seems like it will never end. it is not easily described and probably cannot be understood because some, or most people would never feel like this and they will never know how it's like.

i know too well the reasons why i am feeling how i am feeling but there's no help at all at the moment. i can analyze myself but i have no solutions for most of my problems. i am so tired. i guess that's why people choose to end their life because they think they could end the endless torture. it's just like a dead end. can't see hopes and lights. will i think the same tomorrow morning when i wake up? probably not. but will i have these kinds of thoughts again. positive. what can i do?

it's no need to ask because i've heard all the possible answers from different voices. most things work for a while then it's not working anymore. i guess i just hate myself too much? ask too much for myself?