Lin Jessie的部落格

This is the headlines of a news article in Sydney Morning Herald today about a sport star. I didn't really read the article but the headlines stayed in my mind. Well, it's been really tough for me staying in Australia. I am not used to living alone and do everything on my own. Through my life, I only lived in the dorm for the last semester of my university and it was only three or four days a week. When I traveled abroad, normally I started to feel homesick after two or three weeks. Besides, I am a quite social person and I enjoy having interactions with people so much and that's why I like teaching a lot. I think I have the need to talk to people. Here, I can count how many sentences I speak every day and how many people I talk to in a week. Mostly, the clerks in the gym or in the shops. As the classes finished last week, I don't even have classmates(though we do not talk much) or teachers to talk to. Not sure what's wrong. Maybe I am simply not in the right place not with the right people so it is not easy for me to make friends. Regrets? Not necessary because life is like this and there's no coming back.

What most people do not get is that sometimes I do enjoy the peaceful moment I have here but a lot of time I am just too lonely and too sad. When I asked for help, I wanted to know what I should do next, or how I can feel better or simply some comfort. And that's because I was so depressed that I could not get myself out of it and I could not think at all. Otherwise, of course I know myself better than anyone else and I know the best solution for all my answers and problems and what's the best for me. Well, maybe not. I am not so sure. Anyway, just realized that I probably should keep it to myself a lot of time and do not ask the wrong people for help.

It's funny to say so but I tried it so many times but always learning. Wrong people are those people who could not understand me and blame me for being weak or told me that I asked for it or people saying something useless but only to make me feel bad about myself. Anyways, I know they are friends and sometimes they do not mean to hurt me but the truth is they did hurt me and I felt even worse after talking to them.

Actually, I did not really ask for help because I knew that but could not help sometimes and again it was proved that asking for the wrong people was worse than not asking. Well, live and learn. Today, I was thinking again that if someone offered me a pill which will make me disappear from the world, I would definitely take it. Now I still think the same and this is not that. Not sure the definition of suicidal but I think from time to time people wish they could disappear from the world so they do not have to face the problems or difficulties in life. However, what I feel no is that I am not connected to the world. It's not that I do not care about this world but just like I said a few days ago, the connection is almost gone and I do not really have much to look forward to.

I am not really depressed at the moment but I really think there's something wrong with me. Well, tomorrow I will see the new psychiatrist and hopefully that will help me to get through the next few months.