It's 7.30 in the morning. My eyes are swollen and sore but I just can't sleep. I tried but then I started to think about how to disappear but knowing too well that it was only a wish so I started to think about something a bit more realistic. The conclusion I had was not nice at all. The easiest way I can do is to get very drunk then find a sharp knife. And it's not that easy. It must hurt a lot then I will dirty the carpet and cause so much inconvenience. Then I probably should go out instead of doing that in the house. Of course, I am not going to that but this thought is still too depressing and I had to get out of bed so I won't keep thinking.
Got really sad tonight so after I finish Norwegian Wood, I started another novel and I finished it. The reason why I started to read a novel at 3.30 was probably because I knew I would be too sad and think too much but the novel did not really take the sadness from me. When I was so tired and went to bed, all the emotions were still there. I am so tired but also so awake.
Just had a sleeping pill, the first one I have had for a few months. Knowing yourself well is not a bad thing. Like now, I have no energy to do anything at all but I cannot sleep. If I lie on the bed, I will just keep crying for another few hours probably. Too exhausting. Times like this always make me want to go back to the medication. Just to finish my assignment then move on. I don't know. I really don't.
The problem is that I am so unstable and unpredictable. A lot of time my emotions are so out of control and I don't know where it's leading me sometimes. I NEVER feel sorry for myself and I did not choose to feel bad but sometimes things just get totally out of control . The empty feeling is always there and so far I haven't found anyone can fill the hole. Everyone has a hole like this, I guess. Some people use money to fill it, some use career, others use family or partners. Everyone is different. I do have friends and family but there is only so little time they have to fill the huge hole, and that's why it's always there.
So tired. That's how I feel about life now. When everything loses meaning, when nothing means anything. But most of the time we don't have many choices so it doesn't matter how we dislike it we still have to move on. So we need to find meanings for everything, to look at the bright side of life. Still yes tonight, or should I say today. So tired that I can hardly write anything now but too tired to read but do not want to lie on the bed to start to cry again. My house mate is cooking at so early in the morning. Turn on my Beatles and try to listen to it before the pill starts to work. Good night and good day.
Got really sad tonight so after I finish Norwegian Wood, I started another novel and I finished it. The reason why I started to read a novel at 3.30 was probably because I knew I would be too sad and think too much but the novel did not really take the sadness from me. When I was so tired and went to bed, all the emotions were still there. I am so tired but also so awake.
Just had a sleeping pill, the first one I have had for a few months. Knowing yourself well is not a bad thing. Like now, I have no energy to do anything at all but I cannot sleep. If I lie on the bed, I will just keep crying for another few hours probably. Too exhausting. Times like this always make me want to go back to the medication. Just to finish my assignment then move on. I don't know. I really don't.
The problem is that I am so unstable and unpredictable. A lot of time my emotions are so out of control and I don't know where it's leading me sometimes. I NEVER feel sorry for myself and I did not choose to feel bad but sometimes things just get totally out of control . The empty feeling is always there and so far I haven't found anyone can fill the hole. Everyone has a hole like this, I guess. Some people use money to fill it, some use career, others use family or partners. Everyone is different. I do have friends and family but there is only so little time they have to fill the huge hole, and that's why it's always there.
So tired. That's how I feel about life now. When everything loses meaning, when nothing means anything. But most of the time we don't have many choices so it doesn't matter how we dislike it we still have to move on. So we need to find meanings for everything, to look at the bright side of life. Still yes tonight, or should I say today. So tired that I can hardly write anything now but too tired to read but do not want to lie on the bed to start to cry again. My house mate is cooking at so early in the morning. Turn on my Beatles and try to listen to it before the pill starts to work. Good night and good day.
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