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Acceptance is the first step of healing. I didn't think it's too difficult to accept the truth that I was depressed but it's far difficult than I thought, especially when I felt a bit better. And believe it or not, the most difficult part is the opinions from other people.
I just asked Jesse the other day and hopefully I didn't offend him. I asked him if he told me to seek for professional help and he said he did but I didn't listen, just like I always did. A few days ago, suddenly I came to the point to realize I am really "sick", I am so "clinically depressed". I knew I was depressed and I tried very hard to deal with it when I was feeling extremely down but when I started to feel better, I started to doubt if I was really depressed or just weak or did not cope with challenges and stress in life very well. I asked almost every single psychiatrist, psychologist and counselor this question. And they had to assure me that I was really depressed. I remember this counselor I like so much used to tell me that she and another doctor both could assure me that I did not fake it. So funny that she said so. Another psychologist told me that depression is a serious disease and since she studied that and she knew much better than common people and she knew I was really clinically depressed. Well, common people, that's a big problem. Most people don't really understand and don't want to understand. "Come on, you'll be fine. Just don't think that much." This definitely is not going to help. "Stop the medication, you will get addicted to it. Just do exercise and eat well." This means well, not helping too much though. And the worst is that people ask you to forget about it and don't deal with it since that really seems to be the best solution: if you don't think about it, you don't worry and as time goes by, you just forget about it. But is it that easy? No, most of the time the result is if you don't deal with it, it will come back and hit you badly when you are not aware. That's what happened to me.
I don't remember exactly when my depression started to take over my life but it's been there for such a long long time that I kind of get used to it and didn't fight back and sometimes I even thought that's how I am. Every time I started to feel better than I just ran away without thinking too much and that's probably the reason why that when it stroke back, I was all vulnerable and fell so deep, in fact, deeper and deeper every time.
Just the moment I started to feel better, I thought I could do this this and that and I totally forgot the truth that I was still depressed and I did not deal with it then that's no surprise that I was depressed again. Now that's where my position is in this vicious cycle. I think the only way to get out of it is to acknowledge that I am clinically depressed and I have to accept it as a part of my life and try hard to deal with it. Just like those people who have diabetes need to inject insulin, I have to work out the strategies to help me move on. I am so sick and tired of stuck in the depression cycle I created for myself.
Then what can I do? what should I do? In fact, this is the biggest problem. It's sort of easy to climb from the lowest point since it is easy to see the improvement, but then like what I have been through lately could get very tough since you don't really see any major progress. You are just hanging there, with all those small ups and downs which makes you wonder how you can live your life so meaningless. Yeah, the big questions are important. What's the meaning of my life? What do I want? What do I want to accomplish? These questions are so difficult and I am not sure if I will ever find the answers, perhaps I will, perhaps I won't but I need to think about it. They are difficult questions and I am the only person who knows the answer because for everyone, the answer will be different. But can I get some help? Yes. The tricky thing is that you have to find the right person for help, you have to observe carefully your life and other people's life to find the answer.
My headache is killing me. I don't know why I often get this bad headache. It's probably caused by my nose allergy. Have to stop here.
I just asked Jesse the other day and hopefully I didn't offend him. I asked him if he told me to seek for professional help and he said he did but I didn't listen, just like I always did. A few days ago, suddenly I came to the point to realize I am really "sick", I am so "clinically depressed". I knew I was depressed and I tried very hard to deal with it when I was feeling extremely down but when I started to feel better, I started to doubt if I was really depressed or just weak or did not cope with challenges and stress in life very well. I asked almost every single psychiatrist, psychologist and counselor this question. And they had to assure me that I was really depressed. I remember this counselor I like so much used to tell me that she and another doctor both could assure me that I did not fake it. So funny that she said so. Another psychologist told me that depression is a serious disease and since she studied that and she knew much better than common people and she knew I was really clinically depressed. Well, common people, that's a big problem. Most people don't really understand and don't want to understand. "Come on, you'll be fine. Just don't think that much." This definitely is not going to help. "Stop the medication, you will get addicted to it. Just do exercise and eat well." This means well, not helping too much though. And the worst is that people ask you to forget about it and don't deal with it since that really seems to be the best solution: if you don't think about it, you don't worry and as time goes by, you just forget about it. But is it that easy? No, most of the time the result is if you don't deal with it, it will come back and hit you badly when you are not aware. That's what happened to me.
I don't remember exactly when my depression started to take over my life but it's been there for such a long long time that I kind of get used to it and didn't fight back and sometimes I even thought that's how I am. Every time I started to feel better than I just ran away without thinking too much and that's probably the reason why that when it stroke back, I was all vulnerable and fell so deep, in fact, deeper and deeper every time.
Just the moment I started to feel better, I thought I could do this this and that and I totally forgot the truth that I was still depressed and I did not deal with it then that's no surprise that I was depressed again. Now that's where my position is in this vicious cycle. I think the only way to get out of it is to acknowledge that I am clinically depressed and I have to accept it as a part of my life and try hard to deal with it. Just like those people who have diabetes need to inject insulin, I have to work out the strategies to help me move on. I am so sick and tired of stuck in the depression cycle I created for myself.
Then what can I do? what should I do? In fact, this is the biggest problem. It's sort of easy to climb from the lowest point since it is easy to see the improvement, but then like what I have been through lately could get very tough since you don't really see any major progress. You are just hanging there, with all those small ups and downs which makes you wonder how you can live your life so meaningless. Yeah, the big questions are important. What's the meaning of my life? What do I want? What do I want to accomplish? These questions are so difficult and I am not sure if I will ever find the answers, perhaps I will, perhaps I won't but I need to think about it. They are difficult questions and I am the only person who knows the answer because for everyone, the answer will be different. But can I get some help? Yes. The tricky thing is that you have to find the right person for help, you have to observe carefully your life and other people's life to find the answer.
My headache is killing me. I don't know why I often get this bad headache. It's probably caused by my nose allergy. Have to stop here.
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