have to start taking medicine again. don't really want to but feel like i have no choice.
am a bit obsessed by the idea of disappear from the world. thought of killing myself in the bathroom so i won't make a mess but still it's really unpleasant. search on the internet about how to kill oneself but got not much, which i think it's good. very very depressed. of course i am not going to kill myself but it's just when i see no meaning of life, i can't see the reason for living. Just give me one good reason to live but I can't think of any. not that i have a reason to die.
guess i really have to start the mediation though i thought i wouldn't because i really hate it but suicidal thoughts is just the sign that i have to. do something. just called home, no one's home. my sister told me they were going to my cousin's wedding tonight. call ting, she's not home. i don't want to call her mobile since she must be out with her husband or her mom. thought about andrew but probably not. it's saturday night, i don't really want to bother people with my overwhelming emotions but then what can i do?
once again, i really think i should just go home. i don't know. a few hours ago, i was still thinking about taking the double degree but now i want to go home. i don't know. i really don't know.
i sent over a hundred emails to friends to ask them to come and visit me and kind of asking for help. but i guess everyone is busy. i got one eamil back from Sean told he could go out me with on Saturdays if I were home, which was really nice. And Doris told me to read a book.
I guess they just don't know what to say to me anymore just like i don't know what to tell myself. what else is new? it's been so long. i don't really want to read any self-help books anymore cause i have read too many and they are all very similar. i have a lot of good suggestions to people too but i just don't do it.
thought about my former student who committed suicide. was so shocked when i heard that and felt terrible. i remember at the time i thought that if only she could have found someone to talk to, to help her, she probably wouldn't have done that. But now i know too well why she did what she did because i am a bit close to the edge and i know i have to watch myself very carefully and that's why i stopped drinking. I am here all alone. I was thinking that if i got very drunk, and i tried to kill myself in the shower room, it probably took days before people found out that i was dead. my house mate will just think i go away for a few days before they realize. i don't call home often sometimes twice a week. now i have no class so no one will find out what's going on. A bit too sad. like those lonely old people who died for days but nobody knew.
talking to people can help but it can only so much. most of the time i have to deal with myself, my emotions. like my student, she lost what she thought was the most important thing in her life and nothing else meant anything to her and no one helped her change that kind of thought. it's one's thinking takes the main control most of the time. other people can't watch you 24/7. you can only take care of yourself. a book can cheer me up for a hour, talking to a friend or family can cheer me up for a day. But how about the rest of the week, the rest of the year. There are only so much other people can help. I don't really want to bother people too much. then what can i do? what should i do? again, disappear sounds like a very good idea. so i will just take a sleeping pill and the first thing in the morning is to go to the pharmacy to fill the prescription.
am a bit obsessed by the idea of disappear from the world. thought of killing myself in the bathroom so i won't make a mess but still it's really unpleasant. search on the internet about how to kill oneself but got not much, which i think it's good. very very depressed. of course i am not going to kill myself but it's just when i see no meaning of life, i can't see the reason for living. Just give me one good reason to live but I can't think of any. not that i have a reason to die.
guess i really have to start the mediation though i thought i wouldn't because i really hate it but suicidal thoughts is just the sign that i have to. do something. just called home, no one's home. my sister told me they were going to my cousin's wedding tonight. call ting, she's not home. i don't want to call her mobile since she must be out with her husband or her mom. thought about andrew but probably not. it's saturday night, i don't really want to bother people with my overwhelming emotions but then what can i do?
once again, i really think i should just go home. i don't know. a few hours ago, i was still thinking about taking the double degree but now i want to go home. i don't know. i really don't know.
i sent over a hundred emails to friends to ask them to come and visit me and kind of asking for help. but i guess everyone is busy. i got one eamil back from Sean told he could go out me with on Saturdays if I were home, which was really nice. And Doris told me to read a book.
I guess they just don't know what to say to me anymore just like i don't know what to tell myself. what else is new? it's been so long. i don't really want to read any self-help books anymore cause i have read too many and they are all very similar. i have a lot of good suggestions to people too but i just don't do it.
thought about my former student who committed suicide. was so shocked when i heard that and felt terrible. i remember at the time i thought that if only she could have found someone to talk to, to help her, she probably wouldn't have done that. But now i know too well why she did what she did because i am a bit close to the edge and i know i have to watch myself very carefully and that's why i stopped drinking. I am here all alone. I was thinking that if i got very drunk, and i tried to kill myself in the shower room, it probably took days before people found out that i was dead. my house mate will just think i go away for a few days before they realize. i don't call home often sometimes twice a week. now i have no class so no one will find out what's going on. A bit too sad. like those lonely old people who died for days but nobody knew.
talking to people can help but it can only so much. most of the time i have to deal with myself, my emotions. like my student, she lost what she thought was the most important thing in her life and nothing else meant anything to her and no one helped her change that kind of thought. it's one's thinking takes the main control most of the time. other people can't watch you 24/7. you can only take care of yourself. a book can cheer me up for a hour, talking to a friend or family can cheer me up for a day. But how about the rest of the week, the rest of the year. There are only so much other people can help. I don't really want to bother people too much. then what can i do? what should i do? again, disappear sounds like a very good idea. so i will just take a sleeping pill and the first thing in the morning is to go to the pharmacy to fill the prescription.
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