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It's almost 2 am and I am anxious and sleepless. What a day!
This morning I was supposed to go to this drawing workshop, which I think should be really nice but I didn't. I was in bed until 11then got up feeling terrible. The first thing I did was fill myself a lot of food. Trying to fill the emptiness? I don't know.
I knew it would be hard for me to come out anything for the assignment and just as I thought. I was just too anxious to do anything meaningful and even though I tried hard to distract myself from the anxiety, I did not succeed. I fell into the trap again eating so so much today that I felt sick. It's really frustrating that I burst out into tears many times today but I tried very hard not to fall apart. I am fight with myself so hard all the time and it's really tiring. I really could use a good cry now.
Like now I look at my life and think what a mess I am in and wonder if I ever get out of this mess. And of course when I feel better I look at the world in such a different way that I want to hug everyone and tell them how beautiful is.
Watching the second season of Six Feet Under and I guess it is just not the right series to watch when you are depressed. It certainly makes you more depressed because you know what exactly shit they are talking about. You can totally relate yourself to most of them and think you know exactly how they feel because you have been through all the same experience. Just like when Nate asked David if he found it easier after holding some many funerals, the answer is no, it is never easy but it became familiar. Such much like a relationship, every time you end a heartbroken relationship, you think you have learn enough and will never make the same mistakes again but then the same shit happen and sometimes you feel like it's a deja vu.
God, I am sad and I am not even sure why. I knew I was anxious but why am I crying? Don't know. Life is such a mystery and I don't think I will ever understand it, not like it is necessary. I am a cynical person. Sometimes I think there's nothing wrong with my life and all but most of the time I think everything is wrong. ha ha. Am I the only person who is not crazy or am I not as crazy as most people and that's why other people don't have the same problems I have. Everyone has their own problems. Nobody's life is perfect. However, perhaps most people cover very well or they think they know how to live their life well and it seems like when I look around, I am the only person who fucked up my own life. The only good thing is that I did not fucked up other people's life. That's the best thing without a partner or kids. I know how much I have lost without a family of my own but that's why I have all the freedom to do things I like without any burden or responsibilities. In a way, it's not such a bad thing that I never have a choice.
So much easier and faster to write in English. At least I guess I am not as dumb as before. Nobody believes me. Even the psychiatrist told me that depression would not make a person become stupid. And then the social worker asked me if she gave me the booklet about depression. Come on. I have read so many that I know quite well what basically how they form the booklets or what a self-help book says about depression. They cannot explain why I could not understand at all the same article now I can read it easily. They cannot tell me what I can expect myself to feel. They cannot tell me why I am so moody, why my mood goes up and down like riding a roller coaster. They cannot tell me why I know all the problems but I do not deal with them. Why I can sit and become very productive one day but then the next day I am totally anxious and could not sit still.
I guess I am angry at myself but I try very hard not to since it is not going to make me feel any better. I don't know how to live my life anymore. I don't even know how to think. OOXX. Yes, we have all the answers we want but we are just not listening. Words of wisdom is everywhere but no one is listening. Too difficult, why everything becomes so difficult? I wonder how I had lived my life before. Why suddenly I became an idiot not even know how to make friends, make to arrange my life, how to live my life. Kind of wish there's a book there to tell me how I can live my life the way I want it to be. Oh, perhaps this is the main problem. I will probably never live the life I want to be cause I will never be satisfied and there will always be problems and troubles in life no matter if you are rich or poor, single or married, having a great job or being unemployed. Smell something good. I am not hungry but I feel like eating even though I have been eating like a pig the whole day, a big mango, a peach, some cherries, cheese cake, scones, pancakes, congee, noodles, candy, chocolate, preserved prune. Eating so much is so depressing and disgusting.
Kind of feel like taking a walk but it's 2.30 in the morning. If I don't scare my neighbors, I might scare the security guard. If I were in Taiwan, i would probably just go to 7-11 or welcome to get a beer and some snacks then read a book while eating, drinking until I fall asleep. Well, I don't want to take a sleeping pill, not sure if I want to fix myself a drink since both are depressing too. Everything seems depressing at the moment. Perhaps I will watch another depressing DVD so I won't keep biting myself. What a depressing world! OOXX.
I am just complaining as usual and I will be fine sooner or later then come back do the exact the same thing again. It's not getting easier but more familiar. No worries.
This morning I was supposed to go to this drawing workshop, which I think should be really nice but I didn't. I was in bed until 11then got up feeling terrible. The first thing I did was fill myself a lot of food. Trying to fill the emptiness? I don't know.
I knew it would be hard for me to come out anything for the assignment and just as I thought. I was just too anxious to do anything meaningful and even though I tried hard to distract myself from the anxiety, I did not succeed. I fell into the trap again eating so so much today that I felt sick. It's really frustrating that I burst out into tears many times today but I tried very hard not to fall apart. I am fight with myself so hard all the time and it's really tiring. I really could use a good cry now.
Like now I look at my life and think what a mess I am in and wonder if I ever get out of this mess. And of course when I feel better I look at the world in such a different way that I want to hug everyone and tell them how beautiful is.
Watching the second season of Six Feet Under and I guess it is just not the right series to watch when you are depressed. It certainly makes you more depressed because you know what exactly shit they are talking about. You can totally relate yourself to most of them and think you know exactly how they feel because you have been through all the same experience. Just like when Nate asked David if he found it easier after holding some many funerals, the answer is no, it is never easy but it became familiar. Such much like a relationship, every time you end a heartbroken relationship, you think you have learn enough and will never make the same mistakes again but then the same shit happen and sometimes you feel like it's a deja vu.
God, I am sad and I am not even sure why. I knew I was anxious but why am I crying? Don't know. Life is such a mystery and I don't think I will ever understand it, not like it is necessary. I am a cynical person. Sometimes I think there's nothing wrong with my life and all but most of the time I think everything is wrong. ha ha. Am I the only person who is not crazy or am I not as crazy as most people and that's why other people don't have the same problems I have. Everyone has their own problems. Nobody's life is perfect. However, perhaps most people cover very well or they think they know how to live their life well and it seems like when I look around, I am the only person who fucked up my own life. The only good thing is that I did not fucked up other people's life. That's the best thing without a partner or kids. I know how much I have lost without a family of my own but that's why I have all the freedom to do things I like without any burden or responsibilities. In a way, it's not such a bad thing that I never have a choice.
So much easier and faster to write in English. At least I guess I am not as dumb as before. Nobody believes me. Even the psychiatrist told me that depression would not make a person become stupid. And then the social worker asked me if she gave me the booklet about depression. Come on. I have read so many that I know quite well what basically how they form the booklets or what a self-help book says about depression. They cannot explain why I could not understand at all the same article now I can read it easily. They cannot tell me what I can expect myself to feel. They cannot tell me why I am so moody, why my mood goes up and down like riding a roller coaster. They cannot tell me why I know all the problems but I do not deal with them. Why I can sit and become very productive one day but then the next day I am totally anxious and could not sit still.
I guess I am angry at myself but I try very hard not to since it is not going to make me feel any better. I don't know how to live my life anymore. I don't even know how to think. OOXX. Yes, we have all the answers we want but we are just not listening. Words of wisdom is everywhere but no one is listening. Too difficult, why everything becomes so difficult? I wonder how I had lived my life before. Why suddenly I became an idiot not even know how to make friends, make to arrange my life, how to live my life. Kind of wish there's a book there to tell me how I can live my life the way I want it to be. Oh, perhaps this is the main problem. I will probably never live the life I want to be cause I will never be satisfied and there will always be problems and troubles in life no matter if you are rich or poor, single or married, having a great job or being unemployed. Smell something good. I am not hungry but I feel like eating even though I have been eating like a pig the whole day, a big mango, a peach, some cherries, cheese cake, scones, pancakes, congee, noodles, candy, chocolate, preserved prune. Eating so much is so depressing and disgusting.
Kind of feel like taking a walk but it's 2.30 in the morning. If I don't scare my neighbors, I might scare the security guard. If I were in Taiwan, i would probably just go to 7-11 or welcome to get a beer and some snacks then read a book while eating, drinking until I fall asleep. Well, I don't want to take a sleeping pill, not sure if I want to fix myself a drink since both are depressing too. Everything seems depressing at the moment. Perhaps I will watch another depressing DVD so I won't keep biting myself. What a depressing world! OOXX.
I am just complaining as usual and I will be fine sooner or later then come back do the exact the same thing again. It's not getting easier but more familiar. No worries.
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