Lin Jessie的部落格

do we only see what we want to see or do we only see what people want us to see. i don't know. probably both.

 

was reading and ready for bed but started to burst out tears and this is one of the good ways to stop my tears: writing. reading about how to manage my mood and it's not easy because i usualy give up reading when i feel too sad. trying to figure out what's worng with me. that's definitely something wrong. i am sick and tired of pretending i am fine, nothing wrong with me. no healthy people will burst out tears like this. they don't cry on public transport and couldn't stop for nothing or trivial things. so what's wrong with me?

 

so many reasons if i really want to find. traumatic experiences. i know why i feel extremely sad because of all the memories i had when my mom died just came back and hit me badly. i really think it's traumatic to watch someone die, the whole process from knowing your love one is dying to all the annoying medical procedure to the last minute to check what exact time she left the world and the funeral. too much. i cannot stop tears whenever i think of that. my grandfather's death just reminded me so much of those hidden memories. can't think of this now.

 

i was going to take an exam of translation and interpreting but i doubt if i will attend it tomorrow and the day after. i took a day off from work so one class they found a sub teacher and another class they cancel it. i feel bad if i dont' go to the exam but it's probably even worse if i just sit there and cry. besides, swimming in the outdoor swimming pool is not a very smart idea in winter days. my tonsillits got worse and i don't really feel that well. the fever seems to come and go plus the stomachache, aches in the body. not fun.

 

i think i should go out instead of staying home. it will probably do no good for me if i just stay in and let myself do nothing and crying from time to time. i don't like this kind of winter. shoulgo back to my books and come back to write more later if i still cannot sleep. really don't want to take the sleeping pill anymore.